What Kind of Dad Is He Now?

Discerning Healthy vs. Unhealthy Fathering Post-Divorce/Separation

Has anyone ever told you that less than 10% of controlling or abusive men will get the help they truly need?

Research shows this heartbreaking reality: only a small percentage of men who abuse their partners will ever seek genuine, lasting change. According to Dr. Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, most abusers do not voluntarily enter treatment, and when they do, long-term success is rare unless there is deep accountability and internal transformation (Bancroft, 2002). Other studies confirm that court-mandated batterer intervention programs show limited effectiveness, especially when the motivation is not sincere (NIJ, 2003).

True Change Comes from the Heart

Change isn’t about better behavior—it’s about a total heart transformation. That kind of change begins when a man is willing to address the deeper wounds, often rooted in childhood, and submit to God’s truth. As Scripture teaches, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, NIV). A transformed belief system—marked by humility, servant leadership, and repentance—will naturally lead to changed behavior.

But abuse is not about anger. It’s about control.

Many assume abusive men have an anger problem. But if that were true, their anger would show up at work or church. It doesn’t. It is targeted—used as a weapon of control within the home. Abuse stems from a belief system built on entitlement, rebellion against God’s design, and a devaluing of women.

The Painful Path So Many Women Face

Most of the women we support through our ministry did not want their marriage to end. They prayed, endured, forgave, and tried every means to seek peace. But after years of mistreatment, emotional cruelty, and dishonor, they were left with no choice but to protect themselves and their children.

This isn’t the story they wanted—but when a husband refuses to seek help or continues in controlling, abusive behavior, the home becomes toxic, unsafe, and emotionally destructive.

And sadly, the abuse rarely ends with divorce. It just changes form.

The Two Main Areas of Post-Separation Abuse: Finances and Children

Even after the legal relationship ends, many women continue to suffer—especially in two areas where abusers often maintain control: money and parenting. In my 16 years of walking with survivors, I’ve seen these patterns play out again and again.

Healthy Relationship with a Transformed Dad

Note: This kind of relationship is only possible when the father has experienced genuine repentance and takes full responsibility for his actions.

In these rare cases, we see:

• He honors their mother in how he speaks about her.
  
• He respects her boundaries and the parenting plan.
  
• He collaborates for decisions that prioritize the children’s well-being.
  

Result: The children feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved.

Unfortunately, this kind of father-child relationship is rare after abuse. In fact, only about 1 in 10 controlling or abusive men seek meaningful help (NCADV).

Unhealthy Relationship with a Still-Abusive Dad

Fear of Dad

“She began having nightmares again,” one of our Oasis alumni shared with me recently, heartbroken over her 5-year-old daughter's continued trauma. This young child has been in counseling. Alarming signs after some visits with their dad led to a need to call CPS three times, but he still has visitation rights. Thankfully, a delayed court hearing is the only thing keeping this child safe right now. 

Children in these situations may:

• Choose to draw boundaries for their emotional or physical safety.
  
• Learn to silence their voice to avoid punishment—just as their mothers once did.
  
• Live in fear, even as the courts fail to prioritize emotional well-being.
  

Confusion about Dad

• They may love their dad but feel conflicted by his treatment of them or their mom.
  
• Some feel replaced if their father remarries or starts a new family.
  
• Many children are forced into 50/50 custody arrangements that have little to do with their emotional needs and more to do with reducing child support obligations.  (Battered Women’s Justice Project).
  

One teenage girl in our program was sexually abused during court-ordered visits until she had the courage to tell a counselor.

Manipulation by Dad

Abusers often manipulate children to maintain power:

• Gifts & Trips: Showering children with rewards to create loyalty, despite ongoing abuse. This is a form of Trauma Bonding (DomesticShelters.org).
  
• Reputation Management: Portraying himself as the victim while painting their mother as unstable or unfaithful.
  
• Spiritual Manipulation: Statements like, “If your mom would just forgive me, we could be a family again,” or, “God hates divorce, so I’m not sure your mom is really a Christian.”
  

These tactics are not about love—they are about control, vengeance, and protecting his image at the cost of the children’s emotional and spiritual well-being.

The Ongoing Battle for Moms

Even post-divorce, many women are left to defend themselves against:

• Character assassination
  
• Accusations of mental instability
  
• Allegations of infidelity
  
• Challenges to their faith
  

These methods are all designed to punish her and sabotage her relationship with the children—at all ages. And in the name of “co-parenting,” abusers often continue their pattern of control unchecked.

Final Thoughts

If you are a woman walking through this, you are not alone. There is help. There is healing. And there is hope. You are not crazy. You are not failing. You are doing the brave and hard work of protecting your children and yourself.

And if you are a pastor, counselor, or friend: please don’t assume the abuse ended when the marriage did. Listen. Ask. Advocate.

Healing takes time—but truth sets us free.

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Sources:

• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
  
• National Institute of Justice - Batterer Intervention Programs
  
• Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
  
• DomesticShelters.org - Trauma Bonding
  
• Battered Women’s Justice Project